The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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