please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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