I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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