wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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