hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
