i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
we should paint friendship bongs
The air taste purple.
Randomize
