all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
