Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
