The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
