I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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