Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
