I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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