I hate your face
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
