Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
