he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize