She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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