The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
