So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
