He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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