So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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