Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
