Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
