Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
