She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
