I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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