grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
