I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
