Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
