4 words: hood of his car
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Randomize
