Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
