You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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