no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
