can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
