I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
