I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Still dying that you shit outside
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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