just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize