Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Too much gin, very little bucket
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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