I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
