I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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