I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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