Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
