nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
