well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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