I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Let's get the cat blown out
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
