I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
