He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
