Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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