i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
