I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
