I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
