ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
only if we run a train.
done.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
