i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
