The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
