Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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