one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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