Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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