I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
